by Rev. Dr. Michelle Bodle
“But just put those colors on, girl, come and play along with me tonight.” Words from Kesha that have been playing on an endless loop in my mind for months as I’ve tried to put into words an area of growth in my ministry.
A little more than a year ago, I was invited into a different position in the life of my denomination. Instead of serving the local church, I would be serving as a supervisor for congregations and clergy in a particular region. As I transitioned into the position, I had a prayer that became my mantra – “O God, don’t let me lose my joy.” As I looked around and saw the toll this position could take on hearts, minds, and bodies, I wanted to find a different way to show up grounded in a spiritual fruit that deeply reflects who I am. Joy.
Since college, I have been known for my loud laugh, radiant smile, and joy in others. This spirit infused my pastoral ministry: I championed ideas, made joy central to the church experience, and saw joy as a mark of the Spirit’s presence.
That is not to say that joy was a band-aid for deep pain. Joy has never been to me about painting on fake smiles or pretending that everything is okay when it is not. Instead, joy became a way to acknowledge that the suffering, pain, and heartache would not have the final word.
But even knowing that joy was central to who I was, I still tried to hide it. I didn’t want people to feel overwhelmed by my presence. I didn’t want people who were going through difficult seasons of life to feel like I didn’t care. So I would try to tamp down my expression of joy, which often led me to hide myself through clothing.
Even writing those words seems like an odd thing to say. I have never been someone who thought about expressing myself through clothing. I would much rather let my mom buy me clothes for my birthday and Christmas than go into a store. I thought I loved that clergy wear was primarily black, allowing me not to have to put any thought into what I was wearing – and what I was trying to communicate, or not communicate, about myself through that clothing. This prayer, “O God, don’t let me lose my joy,” made me realize that I had been drifting away from joy and using clothing as a shield.
There is something about new starts and fresh beginnings that is freeing – allowing me to reassess myself and hear the gentle voice of God nudging for changes. It was as if I heard God saying, ” If you don’t want to lose your joy, don’t sacrifice it before you even start. Don’t give up because you are afraid of how other people will react. Just be you.
Just be me. Not a tamed-down version of myself or one that was always looking over my shoulder, wondering what other people were thinking. Simply myself. Not one that needed to use clothing as a shield. Just me.
In a practical sense, that means I approach supervision differently from some others. I want to cultivate relationships with clergy and churches in order to hear stories. I don’t just want to be the person called when things aren’t going as planned, but the one invited into celebrations when things are going well. I want to champion experimentation in ministry, especially ministry that makes new spaces for new people. I want to volunteer at churches in order to see how lives are being transformed.
Beyond the practical, I want my posture to be reflected outwardly: through bright colors, bold patterns, and leaving behind blacks, grays, and whites. This isn’t about attention, but a commitment to stop hiding my joy.
Growth can look like many different things. And at the end of the day, talking about clothes may seem frivolous. But it’s not really about the clothes. It’s about intentionality and posture and commitment to something deeper – to being me in ministry, not the me that I think I should be. And that is a continual journey.
Rev. Dr. Michelle Bodle serves as an ordained elder in the United Methodist Church in State College, PA. She is also the owner of Abide in the Spirit which strives to create sacred spaces of holy listening. She is a 2011 graduate of Drew Theological School (Mdiv) and 2022 graduate of Wesley Theological Seminary (Dmin).
