For as long as I can remember, I have been short. Standing less than 4’11’’ (4’10 and 3/4’’), it has become a game for the children in my congregation to surpass me in height. While being short has never bothered me, somewhere along the way, I had internalized the message to make myself as small as possible. To take up the least amount of space. To not stand into my truth.
I was recently in a Scripture Circle, where we begin by saying our name, where our feet are planted, and what we have been contemplating with God. Suddenly, the words coming out of my mouth were about taking up my space fully.
As a pastor, I have tended to lean towards the “leading-with” model of being. I want to come alongside and support people as they figure out what they are called to do and who they are called to be, both individually and as the church. But, I am also fully aware that I have been using the leading-with or leading-beside model as a shield, trying to protect myself. Why? There have been too many times when I have wanted to speak the truth in a situation when I was ignored or dismissed. My voice was pushed to the side. So, allowing others to speak became easier than risking my voice being diminished.
But in doing so, I wasn’t taking up my space. I wasn’t living into my call. In the words of my ordination, I wasn’t taking my authority.
It may be hard to take up my space fully because of all the cultural messages handed down to women about leadership and how we are to show up in the world. Perhaps it is the internalization of the message that Christians should be “nice” and that we should put others before ourselves. Whatever combination of these beliefs may be, it prevented me from living fully.
In that Scripture Circle, where I blurted out about wanting to take up my space, we studied the Shama in Deuteronomy 6 together, discussing how the English translation of the word “strength” would better be said as “much-ness.” To love God with your “much-ness.” And something inside of me shifted.
When I diminish who I am or try to hide behind others, I am not living into my much-ness. When I sit on my hands and keep silent when I feel the Spirit prompting me to lead, I am not loving God with my much-ness. When I allow the culture of the Church and society to define who I am more than God, I am not living out of my much-ness, which was created and blessed by God.
What would it look like if we all took up our space – not the space of others – but our own space? What could happen if we live out of who we are created to be fully? What might the Spirit be doing in and through us, people of God?
Thank you for sharing this! It resonates with me, and I think many other women who have been taught to be nice, polite, considerate, etc., and we often do that at the risk of being true to ourselves.