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While participating in Crystal Hall’s book study on The Girl Who Baptized Herself by Meggan Watterson, I came across a quote that has stayed with me for weeks: “I’m friendly, but not tame.” I immediately wrote down that line, adding it to the bottom of my weekly to-do list– something to return to over and over again.
How can I be friendly but not tame when a congregant repeats Winston Churchill’s absolutely disgusting quote for the umpteenth time– “A good [sermon] should be like a woman’s skirt; long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest?” How can I be friendly but not tame when someone asks, “What should I get my fairly-attractive pastor for Christmas?” How can I be friendly but not tame when my male colleague says, “You don’t have the voice of a pastor; stick to children’s sermons?” I am sure you could add your own examples to this list!
I am sure there are many routes to being a friendly but not tame young clergy woman (YCW), and these are four that resonate with me. I am committing to checking in with myself weekly on how I am doing with these. I want to be friendly but not tame because that is who God created us to be. We are made in the image of a friendly but not tame God.
1. Friendly but not tame YCW set and communicate boundaries.
If your seminary education was like mine, you heard about boundaries ad nauseum– how we shouldn’t check our email past 5:00 pm, how we need to watch out for congregants who call at all hours, and to be careful who we hug and for how long. I will let you in on a little secret that they didn’t tell us though– you get to choose your boundaries.
Yes, our eclesial governing bodies have boundaries we must follow. Yes, there are plenty of books and studies on best practices. And you get to establish practices and limits that work for you.
For example, two of my boundaries are that I will not have one-on-one meetings in my office if no one else is in the building, and I have one day a week that I work from home. These work for me.
Now, the next step is communicating your boundaries. You cannot expect people to be mindreaders (although, you can expect and hold them accountable to common human decency). If communicating boundaries is new to you, see what resources your denomination has. Perhaps there is a Code of Conduct you could share, or a covenantal practice you can draw from. When expressing your boundaries, be firm and clear. You do not owe anyone a reason. In setting boundaries, you are both establishing expectations for how others will treat you and modeling how they can set their own.
2. Friendly but not tame YCW call out.
How do you respond when boundaries are crossed– when behaviors are inappropriate, when lewd comments are made? It takes a tremendous amount of courage to address wrongdoings. Often, it feels much easier to just let things slide and roll your eyes in silence. Yet, if we keep letting poor and problematic behavior continue, how will there ever be change?
We must call out in order to create room for truth-telling and transformation.
Calling out is a deeply spiritual act. The prophets called out the immorality of kings. Jesus called out religious leaders time and time again. To call out is to love truth more than comfort– it is to say that something isn’t right and we know better. Too often, I see YCW treated as if we should be grateful just to have jobs and in response we accept whatever comes our way. But this isn’t true! God has called you and me. We have a right to be here and a right to be treated well.
Sometimes calling out happens in the moment, naming the harm right away. This can look like not letting a racist “joke” go unaddressed. Other times, it is best to call out afterwards, privately, when the other person can listen without reacting defensively. Like inviting someone to a chat over coffee after they have repeatedly disrupted meetings with off-topic comments. Both are holy. Both are brave. Both disrupt the lie that a woman’s call to ministry depends on her silence.
3. Friendly but not tame YCW demand accountability.
Accountability is love in public. It’s the next step after setting and communicating boundaries and naming harm when those boundaries are crossed. Next, we set policies and practices in place that prevent future harm and restore community. Accountability creates lasting change.
Being friendly but not tame means refusing to settle for quiet apologies that fade with the next news cycle or staff meeting. It means advocating for structures that prevent future harm: better HR policies, anti-harassment training, transparent evaluation processes, fair pay, etc. We hold ourselves, our congregations, and our leadership accountable to doing better now that we know better.
Demanding accountability is not about vengeance or revenge. Accountability is about believing that transformation (or we may say reformation) is possible when truth is honored and experiences uplifted. Accountability says we are in this for the long haul– for our own well-being and for those who will come after us.
Take heart– accountability is a long road full of many bumps and resistance, so seek out companions for the journey.
4. Friendly but not tame YCW reach out.
Repeat after me: We are not meant to do this work alone. Moses had Aaron, Miriam, and Jethro. Elijah had Elisha. Jesus had the Twelve. We need each other.
Being friendly but not tame means choosing to prioritize solidarity, receiving help ourselves and helping other young clergy women.
What would feel nourishing to you right now? Reaching out to a mentor who has walked this road before? Connecting with a therapist, spiritual director, or life coach? Finally scheduling that girls’ trip that has never left the group chat? I encourage you to take the time to consider what social and spiritual support you need.
And as we care for ourselves, let us pay attention to those around us who may need some extra support. May we check in on one another, showing up for our colleagues when they are facing harassment or burnout. May we use our social capital to uplift and connect. May we create spaces for the voices of other young clergy women, especially those who are just starting out in their career.
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To be a friendly but not tame young clergy woman, who is made in the image of our friendly but not tame God, is holy work. We are grounded in kindness, fierce in truth, and unwilling to make peace with sexism, even when it is dressed up as humor.
We set and communicate boundaries. We call out injustice. We demand accountability. We reach out in love.
To be friendly but not tame is to claim our divine call, to resist burnout, and to prepare the way for others. You can be fierce and still need rest. You can be prophetic and still need friends. You can be friendly and still wild enough to imagine a Church that honors women’s voices fully, without hesitation or apology.
We live and serve as reflections of God– gracious and grounded, bold and untamed, fierce in love and free in spirit.
