by Rev. Dr. Michelle Bodle
Editor’s Note: Illness tends to be discussed only in terms of what it takes away. However, illness can be reframed into an invitation – to pray, to slow down, and to see life in a new way. This is the second of a two part series on reframing illness in life. Please note, the author is speaking from her personal experience, and knows that everyone encounters illness differently.
The worst argument I ever remember being part of in seminary was in an ethics precept. I can still envision what room we were in and who was sitting around the table as we were talking about mental health. One of my brothers in the room made a bold statement that mental illness needed to be healed in order for people to be whole. I bristled – badly.
Several years before arriving at seminary, I had been diagnosed with generalized anxiety. When explaining this to people in everyday terms, I say I worry about everything and anything. My brain processes stimuli around me, putting me on high alert. I also believe that, for me, there is a gift in anxiety. In fact, I refer to it as my superpower. However, before explaining, let me note that this is not the case for everyone. Some people may experience anxiety as debilitating. I can only speak from my experience.
The first time I started to consider my anxiety not to be a burden, but a strength, was in a discussion about the watchkeepers during Biblical times. The people placed on top of towers were to remain alert and notify the town of any impending danger. This was especially important when the rest of the community was asleep. The watchkeepers stayed awake to protect everyone else (Isaiah 62:6).
I remember thinking, “That’s me. I am someone who is keeping watch.” Anxiety allowed me to be vigilant in the world. Certainly, this could get to a point where it was no longer helpful – a hyper vigilance that is consuming to the point of exhaustion. But by reframing anxiety as vigilance, I could understand my illness as a gift to steward and then to offer others.
The first time that I saw this gift in action was during an unexpected staffing change. There were many moving parts, as no one seemed to fully understand what this person did or how their position directly interacted with and affected others. But my superpower did. Anxiety helped me see connections and think through scenarios quickly, assessing pros and cons. It also allowed me to see possibilities. I remember a colleague asking me how I could come up with so many options so quickly, and I explained that it was just the way my brain was wired.
From that moment on, I’ve tried to be a good steward of the gift of anxiety. Part of that stewardship is making sure that it doesn’t tip into being in the driver’s seat. When I think of the superheroes that I grew up with, for most of them, their greatest strength could become their greatest weakness if they weren’t careful. This means that I need to be attentive to my own moods, prioritize self-care, see a therapist, and use medication. When I neglect this posture of self-reflection, I become like the superheroes who tried to lead solely through their superpower, rather than seeing it as part of the greater whole of who they were, they could become derailed. So it is with anxiety. If I lead from an anxious place, instead of seeing this as simply part of who I am, then I can quickly lose track of the bigger picture.
Back in that classroom during seminary, I didn’t view anxiety as a gift or a superpower. I simply saw it as part of who I was. I bristled at the thought that I needed part of me fundamentally changed to be “whole.” I am whole, including my anxiety. It does not need to be healed or redeemed in order for me to be more fully me. I simply need to be aware of its presence and hold it gently, allowing it to speak but not lead. For me, that is the gift of anxiety.
Rev. Dr. Michelle Bodle serves as an ordained elder in the United Methodist Church in State College, PA. She is also the owner of Abide in the Spirit which strives to create sacred spaces of holy listening. She is a 2011 graduate of Drew Theological School (Mdiv) and 2022 graduate of Wesley Theological Seminary (Dmin).
