There are two phrases that run through my mind from my ordination. The first: “Take thou authority.” These words echo the empowerment to go forth to preach the Gospel and administer the Sacraments. These are words that I have spoken over colleagues who have struggled to live into their call in particular settings: remember that you have been given authority. You are not here by accident. Claim that authority and trust the Holy Spirit to move.
The second phrase is from the moment I had the stole placed on my shoulders and hearing the words that I was yoked with Christ. It was a reminder that this is not my ministry to attempt alone, rather is a working of Christ through me.
These two phrases have echoed in my life since 2013. However, almost thirteen years later, there is another phrase I wish we would tell young clergywomen at their ordination: take up your space.
For the first several years of ministry, I tried to be who everyone else wanted me to be. It was exhausting – almost to the point of burnout. I tried to fit into a version of vocation as others defined it, setting aside my unique gifs, personality, and even my calling in the name of others’ comfort. But I wasn’t called to ministry to make other people comfortable. I was called to be me, and fully me.
That self-erasure was one of the greatest stumbling blocks I faced in ministry. I so wish someone had told me to show up and take up space as myself, to see what the Holy Spirit would do. I wish someone had encouraged me to show up as a woman in ministry, not as someone trying to hide her gender in churches that had never had and never wanted a female pastor.
There is also a very literal dimension to this call to take up space– actual, physical space. In my first several appointments, I tried to make myself and the space I took up as small as possible, in the name of not being a burden. I shared working space with secretaries. I didn’t put up pictures or put many books on the shelves because I didn’t want to look like I was taking over. Or at least that’s how I rationalized it. Looking back, I see it was hesitation rooted in others’ discomfort– and my accommodation of it..
This pattern showed up in other ways too. I tried to keep my use of the church’s budget to a minimum. I took pay cuts, didn’t spend money from my reimbursable or continuing education accounts, and worked to reduce utility costs for the parsonage. Once again, I rationalized to myself that this was all in the name of being a good steward, but the reality was that I had bought into the narrative that I was a burden because I was a woman in ministry.
So this call to take up space is a call to fullness. A call to flourishing. A call to not diminish oneself or one’s call in order to fit within other people’s expectations. Something changed when I started the journey of not pushing myself aside to be someone else in ministry. All of a sudden, I fell in love with this holy and mysterious calling in a different and new way. I found gifts that I never had words to articulate before – deep listening, preaching, guiding others in spiritual formation. I no longer felt the need to shy away from leading the church by trying to step into someone else’s shoes.
For all of you stepping into your ordination vows this season, yes, take thou authority. And, yes, be yoked with Christ. But also take up your space. Remember that it is you who has been called, not to make you into the image of someone else, but because you are exactly who the church needs during this season.
